The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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