You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize