youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
