he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
