I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
