So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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