Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
