Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
