Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize