guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize