No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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