Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
