I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
