I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
