Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
