I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
