Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
