i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
