You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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