I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
