I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
