You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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