all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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