So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize