Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
