I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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