He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
