when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize