I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
