Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
