Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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