I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize