I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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