I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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