"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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