Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
