i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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