You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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