He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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