god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so let's talk penis.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
