if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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