I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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