i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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