My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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