...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
