sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
