Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize