I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
