I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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