I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
