1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
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