someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
