on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize