There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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