Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
