I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
