Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
