is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
