Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
