Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
