I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
