New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
